Healthy attachment in SW
One of my favorite aspects of being a companion is the intimacy I have with my patrons. Over the course of several dates, we create a bond of trust, exploration, and excitement. That bond can be intoxicating – in fact, it’s supposed to be. But how do we sit in that intoxication while living the rest of our lives? Or as @SeaNoShips asked me: “[As a client in SW,] how do you distinguish between healthy attachment, and that which is harder to manage?”
Healthy attachment happens when you honor yourself *and* the other person. “Honoring self” means developing awareness of your boundaries, your yes’s and no’s, your desires and hurts. For clients, this means leaning into the growth opportunities in your relationships with SWs. It also means being intentional about how much you invest in those relationships – you have to manage your relationship with your SW carefully so it doesn’t disrupt the rest of your life.
“Honoring other” means approaching your companion with empathy, respect, and kindness. It means prioritizing our consent, respecting our boundaries, and inviting us into deeper conversation with your curiosity. It means aligning your intentions, words, and actions in our relationship.
It’s normal to want things in your relationships. It’s reasonable to have hopes and desires for the future. The problem comes when either patrons or companions have attachment to relationship outcomes that cross the other’s boundaries, or their own: “Eventually she’ll develop feelings and stop charging me.” “I know he wants to maintain emotional distance, but maybe he’ll put me on an allowance.“ “She’d be smart to share her civilian career with me; I could mentor her!” “I know I would be best served by investing this time in therapy… but seeing her is so much more fun.” “We have a real connection, so it’s ok to engage her in open-ended email conversation without compensating her.”
Those sorts of boundary-crossing attachments can create unhealthy patterns in any relationship, and they often leave us sitting in negative feelings of longing. But even without boundary-crossing attachments, it can be easy to have a negative experience of unfulfilled desire in these relationships. Because companion/patron relationships often have inherent limits regarding time and activities, we’re prone to having periods of missing each other, and wanting things from the relationship that we’re not currently getting. The thing is, that’s going to be true in any sort of relationship, because all relationships have limitations. We can approach that missing with a sense of loss, or we can welcome that sense of missing as evidence of a strong connection. We can sit in the deliciousness of wanting, and savor feeling alive. Instead of being attached to specific outcomes, we can be grateful for what is.