Callout vs collaboration

One of the things I love about SW Twitter is that it provides inculturation for patrons. Patrons who find me through Twitter tend to have a better sense of boundaries. They've looked at lots of profiles, read through the posts, and aggregated the information to figure out how to treat SWs with respect. Other patron-types chime in with their thoughts and feelings, often in support of managing SW's boundaries. It's great!

There's a part of this inculturation process that troubles me, though: I'm concerned about the amount of aggression that often comes with these boundaries. Now, don't get me wrong, aggression has a place. Anger's there to tell me that I need to have a boundary. Aggression's there to reinforce that boundary if it's not being respected.

But I worry that when we start with anger and aggression, we needlessly alienate the person we're working with. We slap them on the wrist, rather than offering them a hand. And it hurts. It often hurts so much that the person we're working with closes off to self-protect. The hurt doesn't end there. It propagates into that person feeling a little less safe, a little less open, a little less willing to take chances. That hurt shows up in their future interactions, and they start either bringing more aggression themselves or closing off from the vulnerability of sharing.

What if, instead of calling them out, instead of othering them, we collaborated with them? What if we changed the framing from "You did something wrong" to "When you did that, I felt [uncomfortable, angry, etc.]"? When boundaries are crossed, when comments leave us uncomfortable, there's an opportunity: An opportunity to work together, to come to a deeper understanding of each other's realities, to learn more about the way we want to show up in the world.

To be clear, I'm not saying we should take every opportunity we have. Not everyone is always in a place to do this on either side. When I'm sufficiently triggered, my compassion can go away. And when others have been hurt enough times, they often need to do some deeper healing before being open to collaboration. But by challenging ourselves to collaborate when we can, by extending a hand, even when it might not be taken, we're doing our part to bring this world a little closer together. And the world needs that integration.

So next time you see someone crossing a boundary, or making an uncouth or offensive comment, I invite you to approach them with a spirit of collaboration. Let them decide to rise to meet you- or not

Can Twitter posts have an appendix? This one does.

i. A Basic Collaboration Model

Person A: When you did x, I felt y. I care about you, and I'd like to work together to resolve this dissonance.

Person B: I also care about you! What about x felt y to you?

Person A: [personal narrative that includes some introspection]

Person B: [validation of A's narrative, clarifying questions]

Person A: [response to clarifying questions]

Person B: [restatement of A's reality in B's words, checking to make sure it resonates with A]

Person A: What was going on for you there, though? Your reality is also important to me.

Person B: [personal narrative that includes some introspection]

Person A: [valladation of B's narrative, clarifying questions]

Person B: [response to clarifying questions]

Person A: [restatement of B's reality in A's words, checking to make sure it resonates with B]

(by this point, both A and B should feel, to some extent, heard and safe.)

Either: [suggestion of unified narrative that incorporates both realities, negotiation to make sure it resonates with both A and B]

Either/both: [setting of intentions to do something different in the future to prevent such a dissonance (there may be nothing!)]

Either/both: [make sure the other feels complete, compassionate closing statement about what it's been like to collaborate together]

Either/both: [find some way to receive aftercare/nourishment: another person, a piece of music, a physical activity...]

The end!

ii. Dissonance

There is a version of the collaboration model in [i.] that ends with either or both deciding that a unified narrative and mutual safety is unachievable, and deciding to step out of the connection indefinitely. This is also totally valid!

iii. Introspection opportunity 1

Are there times someone has called you out rather than collaborating with you? How'd it feel? How have those experiences shaped the way you interact with others? What do you like about that pattern? Is there anything you'd like to do differently?

iv. Introspection opportunity 2

We all have moments of being cut off from our ability to collaborate, which is when call-outs happen instead. What's a time recently you've lost the ability to collaborate? What's another? Is there a pattern to the times you've had trouble accessing compassion and collaboration? How do you handle it when it happens? What do you like about that pattern? Is there anything you'd like to do differently?

v. Acknowledgment

In addition to my own introspection, these concepts, thoughts, and strategies are an amalgamation of therapeutic techniques, Authentic Relating, and experiments with the collaboratory that I call Pod. ♥️